Just when I think I’m enlightened enough and ready to take on another challenge without the same kind of self-doubt, it doesn’t take long for me to fall into the comparison trap again. There’s even a term coined for it now: comparisonitis.
It sneaks up on you and before you know it, out pops that familiar inner critic voice to compare you to someone else.
If your inner critic is anything like mine, it goes straight into overdrive and talks to you like this:
- Their qualifications are way better than yours (aka they’re an expert, I’m not)
- They’re already doing what you want to do (translation: there’s no room for me)
- They’re better connected than you (translation: I’m a nobody)
- They’re younger than you/older than you (translation: there’s nothing I can do about this problem)
- They’re more outgoing/articulate/attractive than you. There’s countless versions of the ‘they’re more X than you’, where X is the success trait that’s missing (translation: I’m not good enough as I am)
As a result, we feel like an imposter for wanting to pursue our goals. Those familiar self-doubts reappear. Our ego feels threatened and directs us to retreat to safety. But not before we’ve done a good job at berating ourselves and shifting into despair mode.
Our thoughts all seem to drive towards the same conclusion, ‘There’s no room for me. Maybe I don’t have what it takes. Maybe I should give up now and not waste time trying. Maybe I should settle for less and be happy with what I have now.’
Notice how it’s all doomsday thinking?
What I’ve come to see is that the comparisons we make are neither helpful nor true, but more importantly, it’s not relevant.
While the inner critic might be trying to keep us from making a fool of ourselves, what it really ends up doing is hold us back from taking action and clouds our thinking so much that we forget to challenge these untruths.
Here are 5 ways to notice and escape that comparison so that you can move forward again.
1. Stop Comparing Your Inside to Someone’s Outside
In the past we just had newspapers, magazines and TV. The explosion of multiple social media platforms and vast amounts of online content has triggered even more comparison and feelings of inadequacy, particularly in women.
It can seem like others are moving ahead faster and having better lives than you, especially when we’re bombarded with polished images, gleaming profiles, and endless Top 10/Top 20 lists of successful people. It can seem like it was easy for them or, at the most, they had easy obstacles to overcome.
What’s closer to the truth is that we’re comparing how we feel inside with someone’s highlight reel, i.e. their outside – all the shiny, sexy stuff that they put out for the world to see.
It’s not an accurate comparison and we don’t really know what’s going on behind the scenes for them either. We also don’t see the real story behind their seemingly ‘overnight success’.
We don’t see all the failures they had to get past. We don’t see the burnout and overwhelm that might be accompanying the outward success. We don’t see the help they had to get, the money or time that they invested to get where they are. We don’t see the relationship problems that might be in the background. We don’t see if they’re truly happy with the life they find themselves in.
In other words, there’s a lot that we don’t see because we only see the shiny outside.
2. Stop Comparing Your Beginning to Someone’s Middle
What’s new for you, might not be new for the person you’re comparing yourself to. If the person that you’re comparing yourself to has already invested a lot of time and energy into their work, wouldn’t it be normal that they’re seeing results sooner?
It doesn’t make sense to compare the start of our journey with someone who’s in the middle or even further on the same journey.
But that doesn’t mean it’s a sign for you to not start.
For example, there are many accomplished writers out in the world and most likely they didn’t start out being great either. Who knows how many rewrites they had to go through or the critiques they embraced to get a book done? Who knows how many book drafts they’ve written that never saw the light of day? Or how many manuscript rejections they took in their stride.
They all had to start somewhere and they didn’t become good at writing without taking the first step on that journey. If every aspiring writer gave up after seeing how many accomplished writers there were, we would never see another new book. Thankfully, that’s not true.
It’s not fair to yourself to compare the start of your first book with someone who’s been honing their writing craft for a while. Whether you’re an aspiring writer or aspiring to be great at something else, what’s more useful is to ask yourself this:
- Are you willing to put in the effort to become good at your craft?
- Do you want to bring your dreams to life or are you going to let it die with you?
3. Look for Evidence to Refute Your Comparison
When your inner critic is telling you things such as, you’re too old, too young, etc., look for examples that refute the story your inner critic has made up. For example, if your inner critic tells you you’re too old to start something new, here’s evidence to refute that:
- Vera Wang didn’t become a designer until her 40s
- Julia Child didn’t release her first cookbook until her 50s
- Laura Ingalls Wilder did not write and get her book, Little House on the Prairie, published until she was 65.
Or if you’re feeling like you’re doomed because you didn’t get into a particular school, look for examples of people who succeeded without the brand name school. You will find them.
I’m not saying a top-class education doesn’t matter. I’ve observed there’s room for both and also realize that there are examples of highly qualified people or Ivy-league graduates who struggle to get a lucky break.
4. Dispel the ‘It’s Been Done Already’ Comparison Myth
We sometimes make the mistake that we have to be completely different or unique in order to succeed.
While there might be an element that is the same as the person you’re comparing yourself to, if you pause to look closer, there’ll also be something different in what you have to offer.
Newsflash: That’s all the difference you need.
This makes me think of cover versions of the same song. As a consumer of music, I don’t see anything weird about this, but as an artist, you could think it’s a worthless endeavor and cover versions equal copying.
If that was true, we’d never hear any popular cover versions. For example, Steve Winwood’s song, Higher Love, was later covered by Whitney Houston and Kygo. The end result was artistically quite different, despite the same lyrics and the same melody. The cover had huge appeal, this time to a different swathe of music lovers
While some people might like to argue which was the best version (which I find amusing, since it’s a subjective argument), the bigger point for me is that because of the cover version, more people of different musical tastes were able to experience a great song.
In other words, there’s room for more than one person to do the same thing. Your unique combination of traits and skills will impact others differently.
5. See Through the Faulty Premise of ‘Missing Trait’ Comparison
This is probably the most insidious type of comparison that holds us back because the list of comparisons can feel endless, where you think that in order to be successful you need to have a specific trait that someone whom you admire (or envy) possesses and you don’t. Then you compare with someone else and find another trait that’s either missing or weak in yourself.
What’s behind this is a limiting belief that success can be had, only if you have the same specific trait that this other successful person has. When we look at things this way, we forget that we are each unique individuals with our own special mix of talent and creativity.
When we put our attention on what the other person has we forget we have the capacity to forge our own path that fits our own set of traits and talents. We also forget that each successful person possesses a different mix of traits unique to them.
For a long time, I thought it was only possible to do well if I was an extrovert, outgoing and bubbly. I assumed that it was always going to be a struggle for me, since I am naturally reserved when there’s lots of people around. I’m usually the one listening and observing while others do the talking.
What I’ve realized in my work as a coach, and through the clients who are drawn to me, is that my quieter and grounded nature is an asset. It turns out that I don’t need to be extraverted like others in my profession. Their path and their style works great for them and their clients and my style is working great for me and my clients.
So instead of focusing on the trait that you don’t have, focus on what is special about you. If you trusted that your own talents and traits are perfect as is, what would success look like in your own way?
The Antidote to Comparisonitis
It’s natural for comparison to strike us. Even if we’re not comparing ourselves it’s constantly getting pushed into our face. But allowing comparisonitis to take over your life robs you of your joy and chips away at your commitment to pursue your goals.
It robs you of your personal power and it’s a great recipe to keep you stuck in your comfort zone and playing small. It leads to inaction or procrastination, with most of our energy focused on what someone else is doing instead of focusing on what you need to do to move forward.
The antidote to comparisonitis is to notice your mind veering off into compare and despair mode by identifying which of the above traps you’re falling into. Refrain from treating it as an absolute truth, but question it instead.
By doing this you’ll see that there are opportunities and possibilities available to you too. And it’s okay for it to look different to what’s available to others.
Another antidote is to re-inspire yourself and focus on why you created this goal in the first place, the importance and meaning behind your goal.
As you plan your actions to move forward, ask yourself: “What’s the unique perspective, talent or experience I can bring?”
If you must compare, then compare who you are today with who you were several years ago and acknowledge how far you’ve come already and then focus on what you need to do to move forward. Your future self will thank you.